Archive for the ‘life’ Category

I see the spiders before you do

For they are my brethren

My small, ugly countrymen who scurry in the dark

 

Just like the insects

The flies

The bacteria, contaminating nothing but my mind

I think it’s on everything

 

Cracks

River bed veins

Petrol, oatmeal, vitamin E

Boils of pus, infected

Look how clean I am

 

The sink

The tub

My altars to the clean

Where I scrub the day’s success away

Mere failure lies beneath

Maybe it’s just…ME who is filthy

 

Wash my self off myself

 

Gaze into my mind

Don’t worry, this abyss is too drunk to stare back

Inebriated, toxic

Like how I relate with all my loves

 

Psychotic–how I’m to be

Always at the floor on bended knee

I should love my Master

Rather, I grovel at His feet

 

I’ve washed my fingers

I’ve washed and I’ve prayed seven times today

Hoping my loves will perish not

Lecherous crisis – come see what I’ve wrought

 

Scar tissue, with bruises

Marks on a shattered mirror

It was a smudge to begin with

Smeared with the weakness of weakness

 

So soft…

 

Perhaps another pill will help

A capsule, sublingual

Washed down with inverted ambrosia

 

Oh, no

 

You’ve hurt your loves again

 

Cease! No more talking to yourself

Talk to the Answer instead

I’ve cast this shadow all on my own

Please, lift away the darkness

 

Yellow star at dawn

Brighter…

 

Brighter

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I’m done with this hiatus
This hiatus, it made my heart burn
No, Not the acidic esophagus
I could handle that

But it burns from being….
Lonesome
More lacunal than alive
The throbs were empty
Pulses of creative energy
That needed to be shared
Lucky seven? I don’t care

Because you are all in need
In fact, you desperately REQUIRE
A dash of venom, a cup of honesty
And a teaspoon of regret.

Don’t you worry, baby
I’ll give you hope as well
But you better take the salt
‘Fore I give you any sugar

Want some vinegar?
Some honey?

Too bad.

Blood is the thickest of rivers
Take this flow before you take the rest

Cream
Cotton
Sugar
No baby, take this negativity

For how can you be happy?
If you weren’t at first depressed
At the Genesis

I’ll save you if you’ll take it
Not sorry that I made it

I’ll fill your lungs with ecstasy
Come be with me, there’s nowhere else to be

This body…
This skin upon my outsides
It aches, it pains
It makes me think I wanna die

But fuck it.
It’s phantasmal anyway.

This soul…
This ghost….
More solid….
Than our flesh

Fuck this fucking scarecrow

I asked for your hand

There was no hesitation

Such amazement, volition

You were ready to be consumed

As I had been for nigh a year

I, prostrate upon my knees

Looked upon your countenance

And witnessed a smile

A twinkle, etched upon my soul to this very day

She loved me

She owned me

“What was the reason?” You may ask

“Why did you ask?”

“I couldn’t wait, my baby girl.”

That sweet Kailey Cup

Was MY girl 

She remains, to this day

Every morning – 

“I’d like a cup of Kailey.”

We drove through the country

An Angel sat beside me

Such a lovely joy.
Through the neighborhoods

Country lights, so beautiful

Christmas was daily
There the Angel goes

I’ll stop her in the hallway

“I love you, baby”

“Come and stay the night”

“Can I live with you, boyfriend?”

“Very soon, my love”

“Why don’t you believe?”

“I’ve never had a reason”

“Well, what of me?”
My faith was renewed

Never would have happened

If not for you 

I compared you to a sun.

The sun is a star

And just like those balls of flame

It started out small, but only with my vision.

For I was once far away

And your light was a pinpoint.

Do you remember?

You were the only star in the sky.

Faint, solitary

With nothing but darkness surrounding you.

That’s all my weary eyes could see – darkness.

But in the middle was a tiny light,

For I saw you from afar.

I know not how, but I found the courage.

I drew nigh.

The light grew,

Illuminating my life,

Revealing a spectrum of colors

That had never before existed.

The colors were your different shades,

The separate facets of your soul.

Anyone could see them, even with a chasm of distance between they and you.

But I drew nigh.

And your colors – a supernova.

From that first letter, scribed by my trembling hand,

A slab of volcanic rock struck my visage.

And I remembered.

Recalled my life, 19 months before.

You were there – a taste

A preview

A preclude

A preface to my life.

I wanted it back.

It was time to commence the novel.

The pages – you provided fresh ink

To the wasteland of my life.

“Are you sure,” you wrote in reply,

“That no one other is in your mind?”

I pondered for a moment

A slice of eternity. 

And realized – I realized YOU.

There was no other

Your presence made that clear.

And though you may not believe

And may not comprehend,

I knew, even then

That I wanted to drown in your light

My entire life.

Even as a child

Even as a nihilist

I knew you weren’t just a girl.

I fell in love with you, then and there.

But then you said “yes”

And my world was unmade.

We stood

And, strangely, you hit me.

Dazed, I watched your laughter.

So palpable

So real.

And even through the pain

The pain of your attack,

I said 

“This one is the one. I finally have her back.”

We can do it

Open sky, adamantine heart

Was tattered yesterday

Sinking in the grime

But we pulled ourselves up

Aggrandizing effort

The wraiths of yesterday,

Our ankles released

Can’t you see? Can’t you believe?

Don’t let them have control 

Our self serving souls

Egotistic impulse

I can do it

Awakening regeneration

Focus on the sky

Arise, make new creations 

Immaculate sunshine Fantastical sky

Are the answers in reach

Or is life unattainable
I mean our FULL life

Unclouded by doubt

Untouched by shame

Embrace the love of fate

For joy is our aim
It’s a beautiful life 

Impeccable day

Can we forget the hate 

Or is peace unachievable
I for one believe

Unwavering faith

Unashamed hope

Will be with us to save 

And help us to cope 

It’s chased me for a long time now, me and my family. None of us ran at first. We were curious. We wanted to see if it could give us the things we craved. Pleasure, security, excitement, confidence – and the beast did actually hold up on his promise. For a while.

But then, those things it gave us began to diminish, and it gave us new things instead.

Despair. Anguish. Fear.

We did run then. And, I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I ran the fastest. I had a second family now, and I didn’t want the beast to chase them too. I’m overjoyed that I’ve outrun it for the past few years, but I am also crushed over the fact that some of my loves aren’t running fast enough. 

I’d do anything to change this. I’ve ever prayed, quite irrationally, for my happiness to be taken away and given to them. But I don’t think a prayer like that is really a solution.

The best and only thing I can do is keep running and pray my loves catch up. I feel like I’ve escaped most of the time, and I have, in a way, for I don’t let the demon touch me anymore.

But sometimes I feel his harsh breath on my neck and shoulders, and I have to run even harder. I’m always running, even when people think that I’m not. 

Even when they’re proud.
(Can anyone guess what this is about?) 

Cascading, torrential turbulenceLike the drowning of fireflies.

Blips of illumination,

Swallowed by the waves

and followed by lacunae
All the pulsars and nebulae,

They all fade out, and so shall I.

But what comes in the after?

A cliched sea of empty?

Meeting all the fireflies?
Dubious in all our expressions,

In all our children of the soul.

These are our works of art

Attempting conveyance and control
But we’ll never understand the spirit

Not it’s heights, nor its limits.

But, incessantly, we’ll attempt:
Loving ’till the end is nigh

Making ’till our bodies die.

Will we fade like the firefly?

No.

Finality is a lie. 

Only one bite. Then, the morals fled away.

After a mere bite, she slept without dreaming, lived without breathing, and sinned without grieving. Just like the mythical Eve, she tasted something that looked sweet from afar but turned bitter once digested by the soul. The serpent in this case – the reason she was tempted, at least in her mind – was her husband. He had been the cause of this. It was all his fault.

After a few months of constant criticism, joyless celibacy, and a bad habit with the bottle, her husband had finally given her the temptation that she had actually possessed all along. The temptation to chase another.

She didn’t remember much of the first night, other than the fact that she was filled with intense desire. At least until the alcohol took effect. Then, it was more about the death of brain cells than anything else.

After she awakened in his apartment, she found a plate of eggs on the nightstand with a note beside it.

“Had to go to work. Enjoy your breakfast, beautiful.”

How could she have been so stupid? Hooking up and spending the night with a total stranger from a bar?

Still…the man seemed to care about her. He was sweet, much sweeter than a regular one nighter would have been.

It took her a while to register the facts, but she eventually realized that this was going to be a continuous thing.

There was no guilt yet. That would come later, along with the debauchery.