It’s chased me for a long time now, me and my family. None of us ran at first. We were curious. We wanted to see if it could give us the things we craved. Pleasure, security, excitement, confidence – and the beast did actually hold up on his promise. For a while.
But then, those things it gave us began to diminish, and it gave us new things instead.
Despair. Anguish. Fear.
We did run then. And, I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I ran the fastest. I had a second family now, and I didn’t want the beast to chase them too. I’m overjoyed that I’ve outrun it for the past few years, but I am also crushed over the fact that some of my loves aren’t running fast enough.
I’d do anything to change this. I’ve ever prayed, quite irrationally, for my happiness to be taken away and given to them. But I don’t think a prayer like that is really a solution.
The best and only thing I can do is keep running and pray my loves catch up. I feel like I’ve escaped most of the time, and I have, in a way, for I don’t let the demon touch me anymore.
But sometimes I feel his harsh breath on my neck and shoulders, and I have to run even harder. I’m always running, even when people think that I’m not.
Even when they’re proud.
(Can anyone guess what this is about?)
domainofshane 
All I can think is the devil or addiction or living for the world….
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Money
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I never even thought of that but wow this really does sound like money. Great guess. It’s about drug addiction, but I can see it being about addiction to money or anything else
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I can see the addiction and recovery aspect now….
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Anyone reading this will fill in the blank, what it’s about for him/her; because most of us, except for the ones who are already in the devil’s grip, are constantly pursued. I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with this chase in the form of drug addiction and some loved ones do as well. How dazzling and otherworldly the devil appears in those vulnerable, formative times. Keep running. And yes, keep praying.
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Thanks very much. You’re exactly right.
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Standout piece, you captured so much in this one. The desires, fears, how it all weighs on you, as time flows and desperation of what was, could be, but, how it can never, great stuff!!
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Thanks a lot man!
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Reblogged this on Chithirakshi and commented:
I feel that you have captured the terror of addiction exactly in this post.
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Thanks so much!
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you have well worded about addiction, I think addiction of any kind is unhealthy and can ruin ones life!!
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Yes I agree. It can be anything – tv, food, loneliness – and I am unfortunately still addicted to a lot of normal little every day things. Thanks for the comment!
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It is the Shadow – that part of us that we cannot see for ourselves, but which is only obvious to others – think jealousy, pettiness, bigotry, selfishness, even addictions up to a certain point, but by then it starts to show it’s fangs. It seems to totally escape our conscious control (and think of those many who argue in favor of free will…) But there is hope: C.G.Jung is showing that we can make it into our biggest asset (without having to sell our soul, hahaha) – think of all those who finally conquered their addictions and then were able to turn around and help others.
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Thanks for the comment! You’re absolutely right. I admire Jung, but the only things I know about him are things Joseph Campbell has said.
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I, too, admire J.C. A lot. But to me, C.G.Jung is The One. He kind of changed my life (some 50 years after his death :))
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That’s how I feel…a lot of the authors I look up to are now dead. C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, Nietzsche, Campbell…I just adore writing from the 1940s and before for some reason
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One of my students, whom I didn’t use to see as particularly smart, just said last week that people before (before digital era, in context) used to be more intelligent than nowadays. I am quite changing my mind about him 🙂 But, I agree, there used to be more depth, maybe as they were not under so much economic/time pressure as we are today??
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That’s a good theory. And I think the world is just as chaotic as it’s always been, but I think there’s more pressure on people nowadays because EVERYTHING is publicized and circulated through the tv screens. There’s always been bad people, war, murder…so I’m not sure if things are really getting worse or if it’s really just our heightened perception of it. It’s awesome that you’re a teacher! I didn’t know that
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I have a theory about that: whenever you start housecleaning, you realize you had no idea how dirty it was. It’s the same abut the issues in human society; things were not that close to coming to the surface, as they are coming now, so it is chaotic, but it’s a necessary cleansing process. I have met yesterday a young man in his early 20’s, a vendor – silk and alpaca scarfs in Dubai traditional souk. He seemed a special soul, so my daughter and I started to ask him personal questions. We understood he is a Pakistani who speaks English, Arabic, Hindu, Iranian (sure, all in the limits of the necessities for his trade) and Pashtoun, his native language – close to the neoghboring Afghanistan. He said that life is tough, and getting ever tougher. He had his eyes in tears when we asked him about his family, if he misses them; he said he only sees them once every two years. I wanted to know if it’s a current thing for the young people in his community to be under so much pressure, learn many languages and go live far away from where his roots are. He told us it’s only been since the 2000’s that their people have been under so much pressure; that his family, father and grandfather have never been forced to do and know anything more than what all their ancestors have been traditionally learning since as far as memory can tell.
We live in chaotic times; but maybe the pressure is taking us to something good, to be closer, to make our world more connected. Maybe, when we get to know one another closely, we won’t be that eager to kill “the enemy”. Maybe.
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Thank you for your fantastic comment. I agree with you in that no matter how bad things may seem right now, it may simply be a stage of development for humanity. A “chrysalis” if you will, a cocoon of bad luck and social problems that is going to end up making humankind stronger than ever in the end.
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Hi, Shane – I wouldn’t want my slowness to make me seem rude, as I am so indebted to you for your upraising comments. It’s that I am slowly, painfully, trying to wrap up a project that’s been taking quite a number of years now; it is also for this reason that I’ve almost stopped altogether focusing on my blog, although I know this is going to affect me in my intention to publish this work. So, I hope you will still turn your attention in my direction when I’ll hopefully post something. Have a great day!
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Awesome! What project are you working on?
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Goodbye and Hello, Dad – is a philosophical – psychological memoir about the one last month I got to share with my dad. It’s about the shift in perception, insights, finding answers, making peace. But it is larger than personal: I touch collective patterns of dysfunctions in the family and society, the big issues of gender, identity, free will, the Absolute; the big existential questions like why we are here, and is there life after death. Thanks for asking 🙂
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That sounds great. If any of it is posted to your blog I’ll be sure to read it
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Thank you – I do intend to put something of it on my blog one of these days.
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